Friends

Recently I have thought of my friends, I think about those around me who I cherish spending time with. Recently, I have found myself reaching out to reconnect with people from my past. Those who possibly I have not spoken with in several months. In doing this, I have realized how much more fulfilling my life is when I have those around me who make me smile. Those people that I call "friends." 

Many times in my life, I believe that my friendships have lacked due to the fact that I did not invest enough into my relationships. Being as it may, lately, I have been striving to let those around me know how much I care about them, and how much I cherish their friendship. It is not always an easy task. It puts me in a place of vulnerability, yet somehow it is ever more fulfilling than letting those friendships dwindle. 

Rejection is not something that I handle well, and in my relationships it becomes blown out of proportions. Reaching out to mend old friendships has left me over to a major attack of rejections, although for some reason, it doesn't seem to be so scary this time. In fact, the reality of the rejections has been diminished or overcome by the shear prospect of joy and fulfillment these relationships have placed upon me. Therefore, I can only conclude that, YES, it is worth it to rekindle the relationships of old, to revive the friendships that have become stale, to create opportunities for meeting new people, and even to stand vulnerable to the rejection that faces you when you let your heart be inhabited by those you love. In the end, you can't beat the feeling of having those around you who bring joy to your day.

Holding my Breath

Lately, I find myself holding my breath. Waiting for the day when I get that news, will it be good or bad?! No one can say. Hoping and praying for the news that says, "you're hired." While at the same time dreading what that may do to me. Will I have the time to keep myself in shape? Will I have the time to make dinner, to spend time with my friends and family. Or will I only want to sleep and do what I can. On the other hand, I'm so eager to have something to wake up early in the morning for. I ache for a sense of accomplishment. There's almost nothing like it.
This particular incident haunts me day and night. I go over and over the interview in my head during the day, and nights, I dream about it. It comes to the place now, where I must just give up. Give it all up to God, go back the beginning, and let him handle it. It's not worth the constant struggle in my mind.

A Million Shells

Glancing at a beach full of vacated shells I had a revelation about my own life. At the beach, I notice how many shells have washed upon the shore beside me. These regal pieces of the deep blew me away. So many differences, each one individual, each simple. This short walk let me gaze upon millions of these shells. Yet wondering how many more are in the great deep. The ocean, how vast and widespread, how beautiful, deep, and majestic. How many more shells are in this place? It's the incarnate vision of how many grains of sand bring soft sweet space to the beaches of the world, and the lustrous shells that scatter themselves along the sand.
It seems to me that those shells are much like the pieces of our lives. Beautiful and broken, we pick up the pieces one by one until we can salvage enough to put ourselves back together. It may take some longer than others. I may be harder for one than others, because others are continually tearing them down. But when they are all in their place again. One finds joy in seeing how beautiful the final creation is.
It is the pieces of our life, the little incandescent fragments that hold no value on their own, but rather become who we are. A small little pinkish shell piece may be the values of your parents, ever present in you. The soft white little piece that has no shimmer, may be your past experiences. All in all, you take one at a time, glue them back together, and behold a new work of art. It is yourself, and as the days grow, you find more beautiful shells, and deeper ones to make up your character. You keep adding, and adding until there is no more room, or you find yourself at that place there you're beaten down, and you have to pick up all the pieces again. Nevertheless, those slight little fragments, will always make up a beautiful you.

T~N~T

It is amazing to me how quickly time passes. It seems like in a blink of an eye the whole world has shifted, our reality is viewed in a completely different way. A year ago today, things were happening that no one could have hoped for, no one could have seen. This short, little, skinny kid, who was loud and full of life took his last breathe. It was his last car drive that ended his life that day. Looking back on it now, makes me wonder how long any of us have. It could happen at any moment. On this anniversary, I will be celebrating his life. I will be remembering how much of an impact he had on his family and friends. I will also be thanking God for the life that I have, instead of wallowing in miserable fear. Yes, time goes by quickly, but it is more about the way you use that time, not how much time you have.

See You Soon, Tyler!

Grace and Forgiveness-Walk Hand in Hand Together

Grace, sheer and simple grace, I struggle so much to find a pattern where there’s an overwhelming flood of grace. The hardest time to exhibit grace is when you don’t want to let go of the offense that has been bestowed on you. Oh how hard it is to not only find grace to forgive, but understand why we must give grace. It is not that we give grace to receive it, but rather so that the offender does not continue to control you. The offender, you see, keeps power over you, until you consciously lend grace upon the situation.

            It is amazing to me how grace and forgiveness goes hand and hand. Grace is the beginning step to forgiveness. Forgiveness leads to healing. This process is not for the offender, but rather the victim. This is how the Lord intended our spiritual walk to be. This has especially tormented me recently, in the case that I feel contempt, which is the language of hatred, for a certain person. Trying my hardest I cannot seem to locate the source of this contempt. Over years and decades of life together, there has been many things that I could have held on to more than this. Why now, am I torchered by this?

            I have boiled it down to the fact that I am having a horrible time of trying to release the grace, which in turn produces forgiveness. This process then gives closer to the situation. I believe, in this area God is trying to teach me that it is easy to allot a certain amount of grace to those who really have not wronged us in a major way, but rather it is much more difficult to allow that grace to reach those who have offended to a much greater extent.

2 Corinthians 7:8- But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us—see that you also excel in this giving of grace.

Colossians 3:13- Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

            It is not so easy, much more so said than done. I am challenging myself to be able to give this issue, malice, contempt, anger, hurt, whatever it may be up to God. It will not be easy, I am sure, but in the end hopefully I will be stronger for it. I am also in hopes that it will draw me closer to Him. 

"Be still and know that I AM God!"

In these past two weeks or so, I've been struggling with fear and wondering if I am jumping into something that's way over my head. As if, I am standing on that bridge in Colorado again, not knowing what's underneath of me, but knowing that if i don't jump... I will never live it down.
I have been seeking God's will for my life in a way that I have lost over the past two years. I find myself restless, and unfulfilled. My heart is literally aching for something more. I found myself crying out to God. Knowing that He IS the ONLY one who can silence my pain and satisfy my fears. I have been asking for "peace." Humbling myself and asking for His will, and not my own. Entering into a marriage is essentially entering into "forever." With the upcoming wedding, getting cold feet is supposedly normal, but the uneasy feeling I've had really bothers me. I found myself in devotions this morning, and God spoke me to over and over again, "Be still and know that I AM, God." -Psalms 46:10. Here again I am praying for peace, and God is telling me to give it over to Him, because HE is God. I'm not sure how much more clear He could be, but yet i still struggle with Him. He is patient with me, and I still want control. Is it my strong-willed nature, or just my disobedience to Him? Here and Now I am trying to let go of the situation. I am doing what i can to "be still." and let Him be God, becoming the Woman of God He has called me to be, in my marriage and in my life.
Lesson here: stop trying to do everything on my own, failure will come, craziness will come from trying to piece everything together on one's own, instead let God be God, and He will work everything out for YOUR good.

Scary and Damged

There are some moments in your life, in which you just get a light, it’s as if a candle has been lit inside your head and things begin to make sense. Then there comes a whirlwind spinning and swirling around, so many thoughts and ideals come rushing in. It becomes the space in time where everything else seems to standstill until you really begin to decide what exactly is happening in your head.

It is the moment in which you feel this rush of emotion and intense feeling as to your thought process. It is the significance in which everything suddenly and strangely makes sense an equivocal revelation.

What if!? We really do pretend, as women, to not be as lustful as men, but in our own way we are actually much more addicted to the passion than men are. This lust stems from this delusional thought of that “perfect guy.”

This is the view that we see in the movies, books, and in the social settings of which girls talk about the guy they want to marry. It is the man who is tall, dark, hansom, waiting and wishing to sweep the princess off her feet. The guy who never fights and always gives in to the women. It is the man who showers her with presents and never irritates her. Where have all the “good men gone?”

It is because this guy does NOT exist

It is this notion that society has put into our heads. We have failed each other by engaging in this vicious cycle of imagination about these men our entire life. Just realizing this, I wondered how many girls are still waiting for their prince “perfect” charming to arrive. The light suddenly flashed before my eyes, and I was enlightened by the thought that, maybe, the guy that is right in front of be, is that guy, just in a human form.

This is what worries me, we fantasize, drool, and sulk about how we want the perfect guy, and how “she” has him, and why can’t I. NO every guy has his issues, and to be honest so does every girl, (maybe even more so) but it is the fact that you find that person who is loyal, loving, and spiritual to become your soul mate, not McDreamy, or McSteamy. Stop looking for some mirage to become reality. It is McVet who will really catch the girl and sweep her off her feet. This is the guy that every girl wants to spend her life with, because he adores her. This does not mean that their relationship will be perfect, (none are) it means that they will find happiness in each other, not the “thought” or desire of what each other “should be.”

We, as girls, too often put ourselves with someone else, we want those things, that society tells us men are supposed to be. Yet, we ourselves see them in someone else’s man instead of our own, whether the problem itself be lust or discontent. In tern, that guy that we seem to think is “perfect” and yet “she” has him and I don’t, we come to realize that this “perfect guy” really doesn’t exist! There will always be the flawed areas, which we may not see at first glance. The key is to be content with what and whom you have. In the words of Grey’s Anatomy “we’re all a little scary and damaged”